General Jokes

☻Abracadabra

Nope, ur still ugly!

☻Ths msg cn only B read by a SEXY person:

Nothing? Sorry, I guess UR just not SEXY… Hey! Dnt force it ugly, get lost!

☻2 cows in a field. 1 cow says 'Hv U hrd about ths mad cow disease?'

T oTr thinks & replies 'Yep but it doesn't affect us rabbits.'

☻T Japanese hv banned all animal movements after discovering droppings in T Bdding in 2kyo.

Ty Blieve it could B a case of Fu2n Mouse.

☻Hw do U occupy an idiot?

Press down - Press up!

☻2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ''Th@'s nice.

1st man says 'It's T least I cn do. We wr married for 25 years.'

☻Y did T farmer win a noBl prize?

Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field!

☻Y did T jelly baby go 2 school?

Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty.

☻Wht do U cll a dog with no legs?

It doesn't m@ter wot U cll him, he ain't gonna cum.

☻For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition. £1,000 ONO.

No longer needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing!

☻I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day

But I cdnt find NE.

☻Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria?

He hrd children wr half price.

☻Y dnt lobsters shR?

Bcoz Ty're shellfish.

☻I'm an alien I've transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U're reading ths I'm having sex with Ur finger.

I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling!

☻T jogger who overslept found himself running...

l@e.

☻A girl ph1d me T oTr day & said 'Come no over, Tre's nobody home'.

I went over. Nobody was home.

☻Woman asks a barman 'Cn I hv a double entendre please?'

so T barman gave her 1.

☻2 aerials meet on a roof - fell in love & got married.

T ceremony was terrible, but T reception was brilliant!

☻I had a ploughman's lunch T oTr day.

He wasn't V happy.

☻Y dnt c@s shv?

Coz 80% prefer Whiskers!

☻Wht do U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike?

Rev.

☻Did U hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able shoes?

He popped his clogs!

☻Chelsea signed 2 players from Icel&.

Ranieri said 'If Ty R no good he wll try Sainsburys.

☻Hw do U communic@e with a fish?

Drop it a line.

☻Wht do elephants hv for dinner?

An hour, just like T rest of T animals.

☻Hw does Bob Marley like his s&wiches?

Wi jammin.

☻Wht do U cll a triple barrel shotgun?

A trifle.

☻Wht do U cll a h&cuffed man?

Trus2rthy.

☻Wht do Mexicns hv under Tir carpets?

Underlay! Underlay!

☻Wht's T maximum penalty of bigamy?

2 moTrs-in-law.

☻Wht do U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang?

A bad smell U cnt get rid of.

☻Wht's T fastest cake in T world?

Sc1.

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense?

I'll tel U l8r.

☻Y R dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners?

So men cn underst& Tm.

☻Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U?

Take T pin out & throw it back.

☻Hv U hrd about T magic trac2r?

It went down a country road & turned in2 a field.

☻I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her…

not screaming in terror like his passengers!

☻Spell hungry horse in 4 letters.

M T G G.

☻I used 2 like trac2rs...

...but now I'm an extrac2r fan.

☻My wife dresses 2 kill

T only problem is th@ she cooks in T same manner.

☻Wht did 1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet?

I find U V @tractive.

☻Hw do U kp an idiot amused?

W@ch ths message until it goes away!

☻Tre wr 2 cows in a field - Daisy & MaBl.

D: 'I've bn artificially insemin@ed.' M: 'I dnt Blieve U!' D: 'Straight up, no bull!'

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But don't worry...

I'm sure science Will come up With something To help you.

☻How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her

How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer

☻There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed!

And of course adonkey to pay her bills!!

☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,

because the average man can see better than he can think

☻Brain Search: Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching.........still searching......get a good grip of your gsm....

still searching.......no brains found

☻Why did they call it PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻Mary had a little lamb

The doctor fainted!!!

☻When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment

when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per minute!

☻Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny

well...Enough about ME! How about you?

☻I Want triplets you want twins....

Lets get in bed and see who wins

☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now...

Sorry I am leaving now, I can't find a brain

☻Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at the stars, then I wondered...

Hey, where on earth IS MY ROOF!

☻I wanted to send you something that would make you smile...

But the postman told me to get out of the mailbox

☻Drive carefully:

90% of people in this world are caused by accidents...

☻God made man and then rested,

God made women and then no one rested

☻Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

It's like when dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

☻blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, 'How do I get 2 the other side?'

The other blonde yells back, 'U R on the other side!'

☻How do you keep a blonde busy all day?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner

☻What do u call a blonde hiding in a closet?

The 1987 world hide and seek champion

☻What do 7'tall basketball players do in their off season?

Go to the movies and sit in front of you

☻Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went it would be hell

☻Why can't men get Mad Cow's Disease?

Because they are pigs

☻How many letters are in the Alphabet?

Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop

☻How do you keep an idiot in suspense............??

Tell you later........

☻Why don't blondes talk whilst having sex?

Because their mums told them not to talk to strangers!

☻Never let a man's mind wander,

It's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

Tarzipan!

☻Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?

No you can have turkey like everyone else !

☻Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey - he's always stuffed !

☻We had grandma for Christmas dinner?

Really, we had turkey!

☻This turkey tastes like an old settee.

Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

☻What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)

☻Why did the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy?

She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains...

Because the average man can see better than he can think

☻What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent men?

Big foot has been spotted a few times

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

Ok you 2, don't start anything.

☻Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign that read, "Disney Land left"

So they turned round and went home.

☻Drink until she's cute

But stop before the wedding!

☻Guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter replies 'nothing special - we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die'.

☻He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."

She said: "You wear underpants, don't you?"

☻What's the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.